Modern manners still in vogue

Modern manners still in vogue
Ros Thomas
The Weekend West
Published: Saturday October 27, 2012
Section: Opinion

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just deflated, wondering why some women don’t appreciate it any more.

I don’t blame today’s gentlemen for feeling uncertain how to behave around the fairer sex. I think a dapper chap could argue there’s nothing fair about being expected to pay for a woman’s meal, or seat her before himself, but that he does it because chivalry is about showing consideration and respect.

A gentleman might also be aware that standards of public decorum have been in place for centuries, probably since the Middle Ages, when the newly affluent middle classes decided manners were an obvious way to elevate themselves from the great unwashed.

The question now is whether chivalry has become offensive to woman striving for equality and independence?  And have manly virtues been somehow devalued?

Take the recent example of a Melbourne newspaper which signed on a student journalist for a fortnight’s work experience. She later wrote a scathing piece for her student rag claiming to have been the victim of sexism: “Men were continuously and unnecessarily sexist, waiting for me to walk through doors and leave the elevator before them.”

Her article riled women and men alike. Readers considered it a misguided stab at men trying to be courteous and friendly towards a young female associate. The student was convinced those fellas held open doors and gave her first passage from the lift so they could gawk at her rear. As one (male) reader posted online: “If this is the state of Australian womanhood, no wonder there are so many Aussie guys looking overseas for companions”.

Poor love, that intern should be grateful she wasn’t working in the hot-bed of 80’s radio, when one of my editors used to kindly pull out a chair for me then offer me a softer seat. On his lap. (How it hurt to refuse a gentleman who said ‘please.’)

Manners were always a handy aide for navigating the inevitable sexual politics of the office. Politeness was a way to brush off a dirty remark without causing offence, or enable some tongue-in-cheek retort in return. If the language turned particularly blue, social graces gave me an escape, without bruising the egos of superiors.

Now at home, grateful for any lewd suggestions, I can stand in (very early) middle age and survey those recalcitrant generation Y’s who think chivalry is antiquated. Those same 20-somethings who look disdainfully at me as I approach with pram like it’s a Sherman tank about to block their path. Or who collide with me on the footpath because their Facebook has crashed and so panicked are they at the thought of having to converse face-to-face, they haven’t looked up to see where they’re going.

What’s not to like about a well-mannered man? – chivalry isn’t meant to be demeaning, sexist or controlling. It’s just a respectful way to act around a lady. (If she’s behaving like one.) Perhaps the younger generation’s obsession with social media and text messaging has made politeness too wordy and long-winded to bother with. Actually, electronic commmunication causes offence just as easily (if not more readily) than face-to-face communication gone awry. I have dashed off many an email in a rush, only to re-read it later and feel a stab of shame that my directness was probably mistaken for curtness.

The finer points of etiquette are too often neglected by harried motorists and busy talkers on mobile phones, sometimes both. That’s when self-importance and impatience lay bare the rudeness and rancor of those who rely on – among other things – the two-fingered salute to convey annoyance. Drivers who are laid back enough to let me merge, or who hold back behind parked cars to let me pass, get my dainty wave and a big smile. I am a Volvo driver, after all.

On the train, as I often am with locomotive-crazy 5 and 2 year olds, I am touched by those older than me who motion to their seat and say ‘Would you like to sit down?’ Even if I decline the offer to manage my tangle of children, scooters and helmets, I make a point of saying ‘thank you, very sweet of you’ just so they know their gesture is appreciated. That lovely reach of human kindness gladdens my heart – mostly because I know that by the time three stops have gone by to my childrens’ shrieks of ‘doors closing!’, most passengers will be wishing we’d caught the bus.

Of course, gentlemanly conduct is a no-brainer during the first flush of a new romance – when infatuation makes character flaws and faults seem like endearing quirks, not infuriating oddities.

The real test of a man’s breeding is a relationship that generates three rowdy children, sleep deprivation, a depressing mortgage and a wife who is such an idealist she still thinks weekends should be for champagne and kisses, not spreading Dynamic Lifter on the lawn, and trying to fix the pool pump.

A realist (ie. a man) would understand that chivalry is the courtesy shown to his missus when he comes home from work to discover she has poured his prized bottle of 2001 Penfolds shiraz into the spaghetti sauce.

It’s a man’s false bravado when his wife asks him to take all three children to the Royal Show.

And it’s gentlemanly grace under pressure on the fast drive to the hospital with a 5 year old son who has shattered the bone in his finger chopping wood with an axe.

I keep hearing that chivalry is somehow incompatible with feminism – what bollocks! Imagine Germaine Greer having a door banged in her face by the bloke who didn’t check to see if someone was behind him? Door holding is just polite behaviour between the sexes. Actually, it matters not if a man or a woman  is coming through the door after you, you make some effort to hold it open. Manners transcend gender, don’t they?

Sometimes I feel sorry for men – they now have to tip-toe on the tightrope of propriety, especially in the office. When a girlfriend of mine discovered an old Cleo centerfold while pulling up the carpet in her house, she took it into work where it was pawed over and passed around with much hilarity by all the women in the office. Try picturing a bloke doing the same thing? For flaunting an old Playboy he’d be branded a sleaze or a boor. Hypocrisy loves a double standard, and a double page spread is all it takes to illustrate the point.

I now expect my 12-year-old son will automatically help his nanna with her bags, or stand back to let adults pass. I don’t think he’s too young to learn to be generous of spirit. It’s not a male thing, I do it as well because it feels good. And that’s the point isn’t it? Chivalry is a collection of gestures intended to make others feel respected and valued. And that’s never going to be old-fashioned.